Valentine's Day - Joke

Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

His father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," Josh says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Josh says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Three kids - Joke

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he?d like to eat. "I?ll have some fuckin? French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin? French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don?t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don?t want the fuckin? French toast."

father's jokes - Joke

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

God isn't deaf - Joke

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

One liner jokes - Joke

A werewolf joke
Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and whenwolves!

A skeleton joke
What do you do if you see a skeleton running across a road?
Jump out of your skin and join him!

A vampire joke
If you want to know more about Dracula what do you have to do?
Join his fang club!

A skeleton joke
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones!

A vampire joke
What's Dracula's favourite soup?
Scream of tomato!

A ghost joke
Where do ghost trains stop?
At devil crossings!

A cannibal joke
How does a witch-doctor ask a girl to dance?
''Voodoo like to dance with me!

short jokes - Joke

A ghost joke
What airline do ghouls fly with?
British Scareways!

A cannibal joke
What do cannibals eat at partys?
Buttered host!

A vampire joke
What happened to the lovesick vampire?
He became a neck-romancer!

A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated him!

A vampire joke
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?
Ghouldfinger!

A vampire joke
Why are vampires always worn out in April?
Because they've just finished a long March of 31 days!

A skeleton joke
What happened to the lazy skeleton?
He was bone idle!

There was a farmer who grew watermelons - Joke

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing
pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who
would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his
watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a
clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for
sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next
night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which
read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has
been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next
to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed
the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but
the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

drink of water - Joke

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..." "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

blood test - Joke

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

Cider - Joke

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small
cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away, " sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

"It doesn't work!" she yelled.

"What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well, " sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she
gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."